Its no secret that I've been struggling as of late. Tedds been gone for what seems like forever and we still have no return date. Calvin has been extremely sick for a very long time. Just about evrrything seems to be crumbling around me. Its just one of those points in my life where I stare at the ceiling and cry "Why?"
Some days I'm sad. Some days I'm lonely. Others I am downright angry.
Crying, mascara running down my face, can't get out of bed, too exhausted to make myself eat....just MAD.
Who am I mad at? Well I'm not really sure to be honest.
I've laid here and wondered that many times actually. Am I mad at Tedd? My family? Am I mad at God? Myself?
Im not actually mad AT anyone. Sometimes I think that's just the only emotion I can muster up.
However, as bad as things may get God is working. I keep praying. I keep crying out to God to reveal his purpose for all of the things that are happening in my life.
A few weeks ago, I grabbed my bible. In fact, I don't remember picking it up. I only remember feeling like I had hit...and might as well put in a change of address form for "Rock Bottom". I started at the beginning of the New Testament. I read. And I read. I got lost in it. I carried my bible into work and read it when I wasn't busy.Every time I had nowherenelse to turn...I opened up the pages and read. Last week I finished the new testament. I started at Genesis to read the Old Testament now.
I still have many days where I have trouble seeing the point In everything that's happening. sometimes I just wish i had someone here to really open up and talk to and someone to help me deal with the things that arise. But I am finding comfort in the word of God. Because some days that's all I have. Somehow, even when I feel like it won't be...its always enough. I wake up the next morning. I pray every night that God will continue to give me this hunger for his Word.
And I'm finally starting to believe that God keeps his promises. He WILL use all of this sadness and darkness as part of his good and perfect will. I may not understand it now, but what I do know is that when I feel abandoned and forgotten by the rest of the world...I can feel Gods loving arms wrapped tightly around me. I know he's collecting my tears.
He knows my heart, and he will never leave me or forsake me.