Saturday, February 2, 2013

Chasing the dream

I have recieved so many comments, messages, text messages, emails, cards etc saying that you are all praying for us.  It means so much.  Really. It does.  Probably my biggest character flaw is withdrawling.  I've got it down to a science.  I don't mean to. Most people do not understand this. But when I am going through a difficult time in life, I don't answer phone calls, or any form of communication.  Its not that I am mad at that person. Its actually not even that I don't want to talk to them.  I just dont.  So if I haven't talked to you, don't take it personally.  Also, even if you haven't heard back from me, know that you reaching out to me helps.

Ok. Now that that's over :)  Everyone has been asking me how I'm doing and what I have been doing since the girls left.  To be honest, I'm confused.  Silly, I know.  I have never been so unsure about life before.

I keep thinking about our lives right now. I have a tendency to overanalyze.  But my brain has been on overdrive lately trying to figure out WHY all of this happened.  I obviously know that I'll never know the true reason.  But right now my THEORY is that God is tired of me trying to be in control.

My whole life, I've liked order and control.  I am a woman of routine, lists, and dream chasing.  If I want something...I will get it. I'm not talking about material things.  So I've started thinking, maybe being a mother isn't God's Plan for my life.  For so long I've wanted to adopt, and be a mom.  I also felt like it is where I should be in life.  I'm 26 years old, I've been married for 5 years.  Thats what people do right?  And in fact, I'm behind. But what if that isn't what God wants?

I almost feel like I cared so much about what I wanted, that finally God said, "Fine.  You're not going to listen to me?  I'll give you what you want."  So he did.  And then of course it didn't turn out how I thought it should. 

So, for the first time in my life.  I'm being quiet.  Not quiet as in not talking.  Just quiet.  You know, Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God.."  Its hard for me.  Its hard for me to accept that God's will and plan for me...may not be what everyone else is doing.  It may not be parenthood.  Who knows?  All I know is that I am asking God to reveal himself to me.  I'm keeping busy (I'll post about that later) and trying to talk to God.  Maybe some day I'll figure out what his plan is :)